In Loving Memory on Father’s Day

Absence and death are the same thing- only that in death there is no suffering. 

The summer solstice begins in June and marks three month you left us baba joonam. June marks the first father’s day without you.  June marks my birthday….without you.

Heavenly angels, If Orchids grow in heaven, pick a bunch for me and place them in my father’s arms. Tell him they’re from me and  when he turns to smile, place a kiss upon his cheek, tell him I love him and miss him lots.

In my thoughts, in my heart, in every part of my life, you are always with me and always will be…and yet there is an ache within my heart that will never go way.

Happy Father’s Day Baba Joon…..Missing you today and everyday.

March 21, 2019~  Laying there in the hospital room, with his eyes closed just waiting for that imminent moment. I sealed my eyes imperviously to catch a quick glimpse of what his stunning brown eyes looked like. I cherished every last caress of his soft skin as I felt his struggle relinquish.

The desperate cry of disappearance filled the funeral room, silent, yet spoken. I could feel tears bursting from my eyes, and the whole world had felt as if it had stopped. 

Was this what was to become of my dad? 

I couldn’t help but stare at that cruel, cruel casket, laying open there, for me to view my angelic dad. His fragile body allay, alone. My heart had been torn once 7 months ago when my maternal grandmother, maman Sara, passed. 

It was the same cruel void and emptiness all over again. 

“It’ll be alright,” whispered mom, sitting beside me. ‘NO IT WON’T!’ I wanted to shriek, but instead, I cried my broken heart out. As more tears came, and more thoughts whirled about every thing I had done and said to baba. 

Was he really gone?

Nothing physical was left of him. That bitter spring day, laying in an open casket, I witnessed my dad’s physical body drenched in nothingness.

No. No. No.

“Baba”, I half-whispered in his delicate ear.

“You are with me still. You will forever be with me…. like you always said, death is just a change of address.  Our souls find new clothes in a different physical body” 

From where you lay down in eternity, flowers shall grow and you are in them and that is Eternity. 

April 21, 2019~  There’s a void. An emptiness.  My Intellect knows life and death have their determined appointments but the void in my heart seems clueless. 

Are pain and suffering the same thing?

I can become indignant and numb myself or I can deeply comprehend that I’m my father’s daughter. As he always said, “Nora joon, baba, we don’t have a soul. We are a soul and we have a body.”

Grief is really just love.  It’s all the love you want to give but can’t.  All that unspent love gathers up in the corner of our eyes, the lump in our throat, and in that hollow part of our chest. Grief is just love with nowhere to go.

It took me a month of grieving and mourning to realize though that it is love, not reason, that is stronger than death. 

Loved. I loved you baba. 

No… I can’t use it in the past tense. Death does not stop love at all. 

A tear trickles down from my eye…

Baba you weren’t loving. 

YOU were Love. 

Your destiny rang its dreadful alarms on your physical body but your soul is right here next to me as we talk every day but specially every Thursday morning before you go to lunch with your childhood friends, Mr Morovati and Dr Sayah, as we enjoy our afternoon coffee together, as you chant Hafez’s poems by heart and use his ghazals as proverbs and sayings…oh the joys of love, wine, ecstasy and freedom from restraints. 

Baba joonam, you are immortal as I reach the highest spiritual realm as I dance with you in my meditate to Ana B’Ko’ach, as I hear your voice in every one of Hafez or Shams-e-Tabriz’s themes… you are free of your worldly restraints and now you are the immortal voice of divine love influencing my life. 

Memory is an elusive seductress, hard to pin down. All my childhood memories….

All my adult memories…

Death changes everything.  Time changes nothing. I’m angry. 

I miss the sound of your voice. The wisdom of your advice. So, NO, time changes nothing. 

I just miss you. 

What are we? What is life? Grant me understanding . Help my heart trust In god to grant me peace. 

My thoughts will never go back to default. they will never become like the spring snow… they can’t thaw away as soon as they hit the ground. 

How does one deal with this pain, this relentless void?

This strange and foreign sensation?

This constant tightness in my chest that feels like a constant adrenaline rush and after awhile it becomes painful but it wont stop….

My heart is on fire, I am restless and awake

O soul you have a pact with the Divine, I know.

But ask how should I my life manage?

I’m good one minute or for a nice long stretch of time and then a memory comes and hits me like a fist to the gut and the tears come uncontrollably rolling down. 

Some days, I’m numb and feel like I’m on a far away surreal cloud… on autopilot…

I’m here and I see and feel everything but it doesn’t feel real. 

Does that make sense?

Sometimes I don’t even realize how disconnected I’ve gotten from my pure essence.  Life happens and sometimes it hurts badly.

And yes I’ll move on….I laugh and cry in the span of the same day, even the same hour, even the same moment…I’ll move on but I’ll never be the same.

But like you always said dad, life may give us what we want.  Or life may never give us what we want. But we can always give life who we are.

In this moment of rediscovery I feel gratitude and warmth again. 

Warmth in knowing that caring for someone without expectation seems impossible. and yet time and time again dad, you were that for us…always filled with gratitude and humility.  Always appreciating what you had rather what you lacked.  Always soul-oriented. Unshakable wide perspective.  Shrunken ego.  Filled with an organic attitude. 

You are Free.

I’m reminded again and again through all your acts that you didn’t just care… you loved purely.  Deep was your love for us. Your tender compassion boundless. You were love personified. It’s never been separated from you.

June 11, 2019~  As the sounds of the waves finds its own rhythm so does my breathing…. as I listen, seagulls hectically circle the warm sky above the pacific ocean, just like the thoughts circling in my mind.  As I listen to the sounds, my mind is at peace.  

Baba you are in light now.

Only the most precious are kept deep inside our hearts…as most valuable things are unseen to the naked eye

Words fail to convey the true magnitude and purity of emotions we possess for someone. Perhaps, that’s because the bliss can’t be expressed, it can only be experienced and felt in ways beyond the description of words, an inaudible language. 

On friendships-

Dad always said friendships come in many degrees and we have friends in many different contexts. Some are acquaintances, some casual, others (the fewest) very close.

And they are all people important to us for more than just what they can do for us. Meaning, we value them for themselves.

And then there are those whom are within our circle of trust. Those whom allow us to feel safe with them when facing our vulnerabilities.

What distinguishes a true friendship is LOVE. A feeling that is independent of how useful the person is to us. A feeling that the relationship will never be over regardless of wether the benefits or pleasure they provide is exhausted. 

In the end, we give our closest friends the power to influence us, change us and help us become the people we are. 

And those rare individuals are what it’s all about. 

I am blessed with those rare and priceless gem of friends whom never left my side and checked up on me daily for the past 3 months.

I am forever in your debt an humbled by your love…

Things unspoken….

My beloved Baba…We live in a world of time and space but you don’t. You can see me. I know it.  You are present. 

Baba joonam, your candle may have burnt out but your light will forever shine 

I light a candle because I know your soul is present in my world.

I light a candle because I know your soul isn’t ephemeral. 

I light a candle as I remember your wise words:

Nora Joon”, you would say, “When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. You cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destiny of others. You must either learn to carry and flow with the universe or be crushed by it.  You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.   Sometimes we ride the waves and sometimes we almost drown”. 

Oh baba, how I miss your words of wisdom…..

This is life… 

we persevere. 

We persist. 

We are relentless. 

We keep going. 

We love. 

People we care about never go away.  They are in the shadows of our hearts.   Even in the silence, we hear them.  Even in wind across the endless sky, we hear them.  Even in the clouds from behind the mountains, we hear them.

Baba I have so much to tell you still. I won’t physically pick up the phone to call you and tell you of all the events of my day but I won’t have to as you’ll be right next to me witnessing them.

As in life and now death, you wouldn’t want us to focus on the sadness and sorrow but to continue to love and support each other no matter the situation. 

I am reminded again and again through the way you lived your life that love does not need an object. 

Love is simply a quality. Love is not about what you do. Love is the way you are.

Love is simply life longing for itself.

Essentially,  It is only when love becomes all-inclusive that we touch the boundless.

And that is when we realize a simple truth: the soul is eternal, infinite and forever. It has always been.

It is pure love. And it is boundless.

Love you forever and a day dad.

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a 1000 winds that blow

I am a diamond glint on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain

When you awake in the morning hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circling flight

I am the soft starlight at night

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep

Do not stand at my grave an cry

I am not there, I did not die.

~Mary Elizabeth Frye

Honey, that’s just life!

Copyright 2019, all rights reserved

 

Daughters of Tehran: A Story of Friendship, Loss & Discovery

Daughters of Tehran: A Story of Friendship, Loss & Discovery

Salam” I said over Telegram.

Aleyke Salam” the next voice followed suit.

Salam be rooye mahetoon“, said the third melodic voice.

It’s the familiar voice of our dear friend, Shima, greeting us back from 7000 miles away. 

From Iran.

Our birthplace- the sweet soil that has suffered so much and was left bereft of us, her daughters who resentfully fled to far away lands seeking safety, security and autonomy.

Neither rose nor nightingale are spared the pain of love and separation.  One rends its garment, the other crying yearns.

My Iran, known for its delicious epicurean gastronomical delights, beautiful handwoven carpets, detailed miniature paintings, collections of Poetry handwritten in calligraphy, breathtaking architecture decorated with exquisite mosaic tile work,  haunting chant of the muezzin calls, Sufism alongside Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Christianity and The Baha’i faith.

It’s of ancient Iranian instruments, the Donbak, Sitar, and Kamancheh playing soothing, almost hypnotic melodies of classical Persian music meant to help listeners escape their thoughts and emotions and feel closer to their spirituality.

It’s from a bygone time in our childhood where dreams and hopes have been replaced with unforgettable memories.  Memories engraved into the hard drive of our mind’s data base.   Can we even remotely and coherently articulate nostalgia?

Honestly, conjuring memories to language seems too linear and flat.  It’s a relentless challenge similar to trying to write a novel with half the alphabet.

Shima is visiting her family for the next six weeks in Tehran. The mere thought of her back home makes me longingly ache, yearn and  hopelessly crave to be there with her. 

Shima makes us an offer we can’t refuse.  She asks us to join her.  Sure, why not?

Indeed,  Azita and I decide to travel along with her.  Well much to our dismay, we are not exactly physically traveling with her to Iran. But we will be going on a virtual trip and exploring the next six weeks vicariously through her and visiting all the sites, smells and tastes of our childhood motherland. 

Join us on this dreamy tale as we tour and implore the Iran of our youth as we knew her and as we get to know her all over again.

“OMG, describe what you ate…every bite, including the faloodeh. Tomorrow I want you to have kabob with rice and the egg yolk mixed in and then Pashmak for dessert, then the grilled balal. After that go and have the gerdoo khees,”  Azita breathlessly demands.  Her excitement exceeding her usual calm demeanor.

I’m silent.

My brain completely turns into mush as I’m transported back to when I was five.

What seems a simple salutation amongst three friends has in actuality far more profound implications.

It’s of fond vivid, if also selective, memories of my distant past being a carefree child, playing and enjoying life in a fluid, flexible manner.

From time to time, we tend drift back and reminisce our precious childhood memories and it hypnotically engulfs us.  It reminds us of the simple joyous things  when we were buoyant, elated and full of life.

Our mind, like a video, begins with recollections of the most innocent phase of our life and we sporadically get these flashbacks of the past and suddenly we’re in the middle of our old school conversing with our best friend. 

My oldest memory is of my best friend Roshanak.  It’s the first day of school filled with magic and wonder as eight year old Roshanak and I jubilantly giggle and hug each other.  I still lucidly remember as we would show each other our newly bought school briefcases filled with school supplies and smell the multi arrays of new fruity erasers we had discovered.

Unfortunately, Roshanak joonam, you’ve also taken residence in my memories as I lost track of your whereabouts back in 1980.  I heard you emigrated to France.  I terribly miss you #Roshanak.   Do you remember as we used to trick the Lycee Francais security guards to pass and go across the street and eat the most delicious pizza at Shahram’s Pizzeria?  How about the Maltese with her puppies under the temporary built classes?

Alas…..

Shima snaps me out of my reverie by sending us a picture of  her lunch “Kaleh Pache” (a Persian delicacy similar to Menudo only with beef) and captions it “ Don’t judge me! I only had the Zaboon (tongue)”.  I pour myself three fingers of  of 18 year old Macallan,  give them a virtual cheers, gulp down the dignified smoky spirit and reply back “Don’t judge me as I take this shot with my virtual Kaleh Pacheh!!!”

Meanwhile, Azita altogether and might I add, exhaustively negates the entire “Kaleh Pache” and has her heart and soul well-endowed that Shima will deliver us with a better menu. I’m guessing she doesn’t care much for that delicacy!!!!

At this point, Shima sends us a photo of organic green olives marinated in olive tapenade and pomegranate molasses. As I’m salivating and thinking how I can possibly replicate the recipe, Azita, clearly agitated by not seeing the menu she desires, responds in farsi, “maan zeytoon doost nadaram (I dislike olives)…this picture does nothing for me…why are you not eating the stuff Nora and I talked about with you…..I never mentioned olives…..tou een hameh cheez rafti zeytoon mikhoree (In all that you could eat, you found olives to eat)?? ey vay, boro baba”

At this point, I’m dying of laughter, rib-tickleling-rolling on the floor-belly-ache laughter, thinking along the same thoughts as Azita but still excited about the new and improved Iran.  Shima has other ideas…..she cooly responds “those things don’t exists any longer.

Oh that irked Azita as she responds, “ ehem, what?? what do you mean, it doesn’t exists anymore….get with the program girl…where’s my toot, my corn, my kabob and my gerdoo khees? Of course, it exists.  oh my god, I feel ill! Nora, looks like I’ve got to get up right away and go to Iran myself!!!!”

She half-jokingly says, “what have they done to my country?” 

As if on queue, I’m once again regressed back to long ago.  Now, I see in my mind’s  eye, a wistful movie of family pool parties.  They were an immense source of pleasure to me.  The AC is broken.  It’s too hot and humid to stay indoors so we all decide to jump in the pool.  Sitting on “Dayee’s” (Maternal uncle) shoulder as he flips me backward into the pool was probably one of the most diverting, entertaining buffoonery of my childhood.

Innocent mischief clear in my movement as I cunningly steal a succulent piece of chicken kabob marinated in lemon juice and saffron, right off of the skewer on the grill.  Afterwards, as the heat of the glistening  sun scorches, we take refuge under the shade of the Senjed tree while enjoying mouthfuls of sweet and refreshing Faloodeh and Akbar Mashti Ice cream.  The savory delectable cream disolving and melting on my taste buds.  While I’m enjoying the soft lingering taste of ice cream heaven, my sister Terry is grabbing a piece of cold, crunchy watermelon, (famously  to be eaten on during the feast of Yalda, the longest night of the year).  I hear the cracking noise as she tears into a piece of the melon and the aroma hits my nostrils. To this day, every time I bite into a watermelon, I’m reminded of those tender amiable days…..those childhood days, when we felt fully alive.  When we felt the unconditional pure love of our family.  Sweet are the recollections of childhood, filling our minds with joy, passing its days in the midst of affection of grandparents, aunts and uncles, where anxieties did not trouble our innocent minds.

I snap back to the present and realize I have 34 missed texts on telegram.  As I update myself to the current text, I see the fast and furious inquiry from Azita dictating to our friend Shima, that she should absolutely and without a doubt, bring us Sohan (honey saffon brittle) and fresh Lavashak (fruit rolls) but only the most sour type and the real ones, not the “ashghalee” pseudo-distasteful one we expatriates buy here in US. 

We realize we have a lot to cover.  We reminisce visiting Shemroon at night while munching on Gerdoo Khees ( fresh walnuts) and white toot (mulberries) or better yet let’s go down the third alley off the main drag in Tajrish, and visit a traditional teahouse adorned with Shirazi themed paintings.  I can see in my mind’s eye as we recline, sip tea and eat a traditional Persian omlette.  I’m suddenly transported back in time to 1940’s cafe Naderi, the infamous intellectual hangout for the A-list literati exchanging fresh ideas.  I inhale a deep breath and think to myself “I was born in the wrong era”.  I realize I forgot to exhale.

I snap myself back to the present and ask Shima if she’s had a chance to visit kasba and Chatanoga restaurants where our favorite pastime culinary dish was chicken Keeveeskee and Cafe Glasse for dessert. 

Azita adds, “ Don’t forget to visit Bazarreh Safavieh and please please take a picture of our schools and Yousef Abad street”.

I excitedly add “ and Parke Shahanshaheee (king of kings park circa 1979)”.  Shima informs us that Parke Shahanshahee, the beautiful acre upon acre of lush green land and aviaries at the foot of the Alborz mountain; my childhood playground, where I spent my friday afternoons absentmindedly rollerskating and scratching my knees from falls, is now called Parke Melat (literally, the Nation’s Park).  And now includes a cineplex with four grand theaters called “cinema Pardeesan”, and “Bashka Shahanshahee is now Bashka Varzeshee Enghelab”, and  “Khiyaboon Pahlavi is now Khiyaboon Vali-Asr”.

Shima continues on “also, They (meaning the new theocratic non-secular Islamic ideology) destroyed “Shahr-e Bazi” (The City of Games- the largest amusement park in northern Tehran)  and built “Niyayesh Highway” in its place and renamed it “Rafsanjani Highway” in honor of the late president Ayatollah Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani”.

Dejectedly, we realize the Iran of our childhood is just that…..a beautiful sealed chapter of our past….a remote distant cousin of present day Iran.  Our memories are replaced with images of new highways and old streets named in honor of Ayatollahs.  Albeit, amid the media portrayal and the news of the Trump administration setting to sign sanctions against Iran and it’s nuclear missile that is reportedly capable of carrying multiple warheads, Iran is one of the oldest civilizations and Iranians remain the most friendly, considerate, generous, hospitable people in the world.

I once heard, the only thing that is constant is change.

This couldn’t be more true of Iran.

For many Iranians, shopping has become an obsessive ritual.  Marketplaces have been replaced with mega modern shopping malls 150,000 sq meters with over 200 shops, restaurants, Hyper markets, an Atheletic center and movie theaters to complete it.  Some malls cater to the elite and carry only luxury designer brands such as Lalique, YSL, Chanel and more.   Street vendors of the past in Hassan Abad next to the Bazaars, have been replaced with food truck straight out of Abbot Kinney in Venice Beach, California. 

And Asian Fusion- yes, you read correctly! Tehran has one of the best super trendy Sushi restaurants with impeccable food presentation and  complete with loud, dark ambiance perfect for a night out with friends.  Mother, may I?

And let’s not forget the broadway style shows and concerts entertaining people with the likes of “Shahnameh, Rostam-o Sohrab, Ayenehayee Rooberoo, Zal-o Soodabeh” with Shajarian singing in the background.

At this point, we ask if Shima had a chance to see the new and rising stars of Iran,  Reza Golzar, Hooman Seyedi, Farzad Farzin, maybe Shahab Hosseini!!

Nah baba, they are vacationing in Kish” Shima calmly responds.

Um, does that mean we are going to Kish next to see Reza in concert?..” is my and Azita’s sassy rebuttal.

Tehran seems quite the seductress with its ideals of old and new so beautifully juxtaposed , where you will find Michelin style restaurants and little hole in the walls, both of whom have seen reigns of kings, prime ministers and clerics pass by its windows and dine elegantly inside.

Everywhere in Iran seems to be equally, a place where you go for both a friendly banter or for deep political discussions.  One things for sure, with Iranians, don’t forget to bring your social skills and intellectual wit as it will surely be a test in cerebral fitness!!

We get a text from Shima….. “Girls, I’m at the Dubai airport awaiting my flight back to LA”.  It’s a text but I know she has bittersweet feelings.  She longs to be back in LA and resume her routine and life.  And yet, she will crave, yearn and long to be back with her mom, dad, relatives and just the pure aroma of home.  Her heart is in her stomach.  Separation is miserable.  Distance sucks.

Just like my childhood Memories…..

And yet, right behind the wall of pain, of getting our edges bumped, is growth- Both for Shima separating from her parents and her life and also for me, separating from my memories.

In retrospect, I did not always notice or appreciate my happiness as I was happy in the moment.  But those bygone days left a deep impression on me.  As an adult, I find, in the hometown of memories, the key is to be fully connected in the moment, paying attention to the details of ordinary life, and rejoicing in them. 

Shima, Azita and I collectively understood from this journey into our past, that living itself has a deadline.  Our lives are strung on moments, making memories and of one discovery after another that one day will become cherished memories.

Life itself is one great metaphor.  It’s always a journey.  Sometimes, it’s a 3-ring circus, sometimes a roller-coaster, or a puzzle, a dance, a river giving way to the ocean, or a poker game.  Most of all, life is like cooking.  It’s all about what ingredients you add, how you mix it, follow a recipe or wing it, and be careful not to burn it.  And even more important, don’t tell me what you cooked but who you ate it with and what conversations you shared.   

All the ordinary seemingly meaningless realizations: working, cooking, playing music, traveling, writing, loving, helping, bonding, friendships, listening with empathy- they all make us feel that the fabric of our lives has purpose and meaning.

Our lives are our novels.  We are the authors and every day is a new page.  Our memories are the photographs we capture and develop from the negatives.  Our stories- yours, mine; it’s what we carry with us on this trip we call life.  We owe it to ourselves to respect our stories and learn from them.  While we may not always notice and appreciate it, there is always beauty around us.  We’re surrounded by natural beauty of the mountains and oceans, magnetic sunrises and sunsets, and good people with good intentions.  We owe it to ourselves to discover this connection.  There’s certainly something indescribable when we make a connection with someone and the beautiful energy and vibration rooted deep inside their soul.

And as if magically, we realize soul is more important than the physical, and love, faith and authentic relationships are not only a luxury but an absolute necessity.

At the end of Shima’s journey, we three women discover we were actually on a pilgrimmage.  A Pilgrimmage to the green heart of Iran. Our itinerary was to revisit the tastes and smells of our childhood.  Instead, we traveled back in time only to discover the best time to be the present.

We realized our memories are our stories of the past….if we’re not careful, these stories can become fences, restricting us…imprisoning us.  If we respect them and leave them in the past, they can offer us a serene sense of security and when we want to go further into our future, they won’t block our way.   These stories we tell ourselves and call them memories shouldn’t shackle us but give us the space we crave for unlimited expression and growth.

We debunked the myth, made full circle and realized the hardest part of leaving our hometown, wether as a child or an adult, wasn’t leaving our childhood memories behind in a distant land, it was understanding that our hometown was a land from the past.  And that the past itself is a foreign country and they do things differently in the past.  We will always remember, even though the past is prologue, we don’t belong there.  And we’ll try to  remember the past only to learn and grow from it so we can enjoy the present and leap happily into the future.

Let’s also remember, in the oh so wise words of LM Montgomery, “Nothing is ever lost to us as long as we remember it”.  In the end, we are our choices. And we will build ourselves a great story!

Hopefully, in the not-so-far distant,  Shima, Azita and I can visit Iran not via virtual reality but indeed via physical reality!

Honey, that’s just life!

Copyright, 2017, all rights reserved

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