I Die a Little Inside only to be Reborn

patkOften I ask myself the fleeting question: Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Sometimes I feel I throw myself into these routines that have no ending in sight, just an ever-spinning mouse-wheel of monotony.  Sometimes I childishly wish to be lost in an intense verdant green paddy field, lush forest, or in the streaming waters of natural hot springs, tucked among fragrant cedars.

Other times, I want to swim in an endless ocean without a shore and hear the currents talk in riddles, each wave a word a secret said, fulfilling my desire for adventure.

Sometimes, I forget to count my blessings and I feel as though my seemingly stagnant lifestyle bores me and makes me lose sight of one of life’s most precious gifts: Curiosity and living life….truly living it alive.  Please understand I’m not wallowing in self-pity.  I’m just recognizing a despondent situation and wanting desperately to understand and accept it.  Submit to it.

Sometimes I ponder life’s mysteries and lose sight of its meaning and feel I’m dying a little inside.  I’m not being negative. Oh no, actually, I just feel I should simply submit to life.  And by submission I don’t mean become passive or weak.  I mean to submit to the essence of life.  A life filled with tranquility and peace.  I think self-revelation is not for the squeamish and continue to ponder…..

My voice swindles under the weight of what I’m about to say.  But here it goes-

I die a little inside when I see the agony and suffering of a mother who is bereaved of her child,  a friend who is robbed of his soul brother’s young life, a dear friend battling a ruthless disease, of  large groups of  wonderful human beings dealing with the injustice of discrimination,  and of helpless children being born into  poverty, hunger and violence.

I die a little inside when I silence my right to express my despondency.

I die a little inside when I let fear of scrutiny paralyze my creativity.

I die a little inside when I neglect my feelings and intuition.

I mourn a little inside when I forget my significance in the great tapestry of life.

I mourn a little inside when I tame my passion and fire.

I mourn a little inside when I conform and my uniqueness is trapped in a tornado of pleasing the social norms.

I suffer a little inside when I don’t trust my inner voice, my instinct, my inspiration.

I suffer a little inside when I’m on auto pilot and unmindful of my meaningful journey.

I suffer a little inside when my cellular, spiritual divine and ethereal vision is blinded and chained.

And yet from the dying, mourning and suffering comes a rebirth, a happiness, a healing as if my true self was waiting….waiting to reveal the role I have chosen to unleash the treasures in my soul.

I imagine the universe is under no obligation to conform to my expectations.  It is what it is wether I exist or not.  I realize, as a daughter of Prophet Abraham, my life is littered with over 5,000 years of myth, superstition and dogma.  I can’t confuse the truth of my reality and the meaning for my life with what society dictates.  I can only respect my ancestors and their destinies.  I can only be wise enough to understand that we only take our stories with us and we owe it to our ancestors and ourselves to respect and learn from these stories.

And so my restoration through the pain is revealed to me one day as I stand spellbound by the azure  ocean in front of me.

And I realize the most gratifying pleasures in life are free and available to everyone.

A smile

A compliment

A hug

A kind gesture

A prayer or blessing…..

As the blue liquid lips of the ocean kiss the golden sand, a white blanket of froth forming as the tide gradually approaches the shore, the sound of the tranquil waves lapping on the beach, with a slight splashing wave that sounds like bubbles fizzing and as the amber lukewarm sun glistens elegantly in the sky a dozen colors of crimson, I look into the boundless ocean and get a glimpse into infinity.

I humbly kneel before the oceans’ vastness and am truly awe-stricken by its freedom.

And I pray. I pray to God or to the creator, higher supreme light,  Almighty, Infinite Spirit, Hashem, Yahweh, Father, Allah, Holy Spirit, or any other hundreds of name god has…. Truth is, I prayed to the Divine Almighty – the religionless Universal life force….the sustenance and keeper of all souls.

It is then I discover the meaning of life.  It’s not to look for answers to the countless questions unresolved in my heart.  It is simply experiencing everything and seeing them as the lessons they are.  I need to live the questions.  And perhaps gradually, without noticing it, I will find myself experiencing the answers.  Submission….accept the rose with the thorn.

Basically at the bottom of life, which seduces us all, is to be truly free and alive.  We heal when we become conscious that our time is limited. Think about it, we all go out of this world just like a candle flame.

We never know when we may die.  We may take our last breath today or we may die every single day while we are still alive.  In the end, life is only about kindness, giving love and getting love, depositing in the bank account of loved ones and cherishing the wonderful times we share with family, friends and friends who become family.

Honey, That’s Just Life!

copyright 2017, all rights reserved

 

 

9 thoughts on “I Die a Little Inside only to be Reborn

  1. As always beautifully written. That is the ultimate way of accepting life. Which I turn is the definition of happiness. And as you so eloquently described ” accepting the rose with its thorns”.
    Love reading your articles.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow wow wow! I am speechless! Can you please write a book, what valuable lessons you’ve described. When we realize and accept that we are not promised tomorrow, it is easier to say, I Love You, I forgive You,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow wow wow! I am speechless! Can you please write a book, such valuable lessons you described. When we realize and accept that we are not promised tomorrow, it is easier to say, I Love You•I forgive You•I Miss You•I Care For You

    Like

  4. It’s rare to have so much wisdom coupled with an uncanny ability to reach and touch the reader as deeply as you always do. Really hard to put in words how talented and appreciated you are. Truly a special soul. Much love and ultimate respect Nora joon. Much love and respect.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow Shahriar joon!
      I offer my sincere thanks for your lovely words. I humbly thank you for adding to the joyful spirit of blogging with your lovely words:)🙏🏻

      Like

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